|
| So yeah, I was the first person to arrive at work, and now I will be the last one to leave. The only reason I'm posting this during work is because I'm rebelling a little. It kind of sucks that even though I am working hard and pulling other people's slack, I'm still considered a lowly part-time employee. I am ready to find a new place to work, perhaps just evenings and less manual labor, although I don't think I'll happen upon that. I'm just tired I guess, I finally decided to take a weekend off, the first one this summer, and go to NOLA, but my sister has informed me that I have to house-sit for her. When it rains, it pours I guess. | | |
| Why is it that I continually put myself out there and get burnt? I don't know. It angers me. I'm more mad at myself for letting my shell get cracked, and letting that person leave an impact on me. Later on, it's like nothing had ever happened. I'm tired of that. If I had a dollar for everytime that this happened, I'd be a millionaire, and the thing that irks me that it's all my fault, I could have prevented it easily. But now, I'm left with feelings of rejection and questioning what went wrong. Resolution: Don't put your heart out on the line for anyone, guard your heart and keep it strong. No one wants a broken person. Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead
I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed
Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why
We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall
And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why
With so much deception it's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away | | |
| So, where do I begin again? I continually find myself lost.
At what age do you need to put childish things aside and grow up? I feel as if I have done this too soon, and now, I am trying to regain some of my youthfulness but I just can't.
Things are harder when you're alone. I'm getting swallowed into obligations and all I want to do is sleep. Two more years left of college and then what?
Wanting to rush things has always been a flaw that I've had and I fear that flaw has hurt me more than it has helped. How many relationships have failed because of my constant demand? How many opportunities have I missed because I was too busy being a responsible adult? Screw that. I'm ready to relax and find myself. I'm ready to be absorbed in my music, and not too tired from work to practice. I'm ready to be a twenty-something with nothing to lose and a life to gain. I'm ready to do away with the "maybe's" and "what-ifs" . I feel that this has been my life.
I'm ready to find my muse.
| | |
| I have an inferiority complex as well as slight social anxiety
disorder. Talking to new people is hard for me....
connecting with them is even harder. Part of signing up to
be a Peerleader was to tackle that social anxiety, but I
know that it will always be hard to break out of that comfort zone of
selected friends. God has shown me a lot these past few
days, I've met some really incredible individuals,
and they are some amazingly beautiful people.
Here's where my inferiority complex kicks in. Thoughts like
" does this person like me?" "am i boring yet?" "am I
rambling yet?" are embedded in my poor self image.
Yes, I think I'm fat.. and unattractive.... It's
stupid, I know it is, but it's still a large part of my
life. The one thing I hope I get out of this
week is that I was there when someone needed me, I helped these
people even though they may not remember my name, or even my
face. It's been a difficult
time, compulsively worrying about being in debt with student
loans and etc, worrying about scheduling a much needed
job-interview before the boss of the florist that I want to work at
hires a person even after I waited on them an hour past scheduled
interview time, trying to juggle classes and practice
times, knowing that I need to give up social time for
practice time if I want to succeed .
Maybe I do need a Zoloft to take off the edge just a little bit,
but I'm trying my hardest to deal with everything without using
medicine as a way to keep my stress levels down.
Did I also mention that every single member of my family is on some
form of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety prescriptions? Talk
about a family of dysfunction and disorder. I used to have
to defend myself too many times in front of my parents to prove my
worthiness, and I continue to use this method in everyday
life. I know God is there, I know everything
will be okay, I know that I am loved, and that I dont need
to worry. I can't help but with the anxiety.
I'm constantly struggling to keep it down. One day, I will
succeed. Until then, prayers and support are much
needed.
| | |
| Spring cleaning is a few weeks late... but it is very well
needed. Over the past two/three days, ive managed to
throw away six garbage bags of crap away. It feels good to be rid
of the trash that I kept in my life for the past two years.
Now I understand why my mother was always so upset with me when she cleaned my room.... I'm a bit of a packrat.
Tyler and I are back together, and I feel complete
again. I hope that whatever happens, we stay together and
work through the hard parts of a relationship. I think this
summer will be good for both of us... I'm glad that he is in Starkville
with me, I would have died had he gone back to Illinois.
Right now, at this very moment, I am soo tired. All of the
stress and heartache of this last semester has finally had its' effects
on me.. my body is sore, my eyes are constantly tired, and
my mind doesn't focus. I need a good few days of rest, but
that won't come, because my sister's wedding is only three
weeks away.
Maybe tomorrow Tyler and I can take a nap together, there's
something about his presence, knowing that I can reach to him at any
moment. My heart is full of joy again, I am home, Shelley
is near, Tyler is near, what more could a girl ask
for?
| | |
|
